Autism thoughts

I keep thinking of new ways to describe my autism.

Ways my brain keeps processing it and analysing patterns, trying to think of metaphors and analogies... kind of an autistic thing I do, funny it analyses itself.

Anyway... I thought of this earlier...

dream 2019-01-06

I was headed to see a doctor. A private doctor.

I forget specifically where I started. I think it was at the hospital.

I was using Google to guide me, as I usually do, when it's somewhere I don't really know.

It took me through a cemetery.

When I entered I couldn't see the way out. But as I approached the other side, it started to become obvious. I still questioned why it took me through there. Also the landscape seemed to change as I walked through it. The cemetery got larger and more hilly.

Once through, I noticed that my the shadow I was casting was being projected far into the distance. Stupidly far. Miles. I remember thinking that there has to be something wrong with the sun for this to happen (tbh I should've realised I was dreaming at this point!). My mind thinking that it's impossible to cast such a shadow unless the sun was a point light source.

I continued on my trek.

Up to a road I don't recognise. Inventing roads and places that don't seem familiar. Still following the map.

I seem to remember where I was headed. I'd been there before for a previous appointment.

I make it inside.

Waiting in the queue for the reception. I finally get to the front. Give them my name. They ask for the fee to see the doctor. Which I pay.

I go and sit down.

Time passes.

"Jamie". I look around. No not me. Someone has dropped something and their attention is being called to it.

Waiting still.

Names being called out to see the doctor. I don't remember the names.

Getting tired.

Eventually my name is called your with a bunch of others, but "... Jamie... You can go home".

What?

I get a little angry. I can go home? What?

I hear someone say "You can claim your money back".

(It's starting to get fuzzy as to the specifics here).

"It's not about the money, I can here to sort out my problems"... "I came here for help because no one else would" ... "I have autism and it's hard for me to do anything, the money isn't a problem" ...

Eventually they tell me what the problem is "The computer isn't working"

"The FUCKING COMPUTER ... " I laugh. "You're sending me home because the computer isn't working?". ... "You're doing what everyone else in my life has made me felt, rejecting me over the simplest of things" ... "A fucking computer".


.... I woke up ...

I think the brain spent a lot of energy to say one thing there!

I don't think that's entirely what happened at the end, but I was waking and it started to get jumbled.

Dream 2019-01-05

What I remember.

I was moving house. I remember being happy, excited.

I seem to remember some very basic shape to the house, the walls, a door frame.

Not really content though.

Dream 2019-01-04

Not really much to say.

I remember someone dragging a giant uppercase "I" through a desert I think.
An I with two large horizontal pieces.

Dream 2019-01-03

I was living with my mother.
We had a lake. A large lake on the property.
It was high, for some reason, over a few hundred feet.
It was leaking. I remember looking at a corner, watching it leak, talking to others about it leaking.
They were trying to fix it by jamming wood under it and hitting it. I wanted to patch it up "properly".
They weren't listening, just constantly pushing me aside and jamming more and more wood under it.

My mother was wanting to sell the lake. Demolish it to make a car park, so she could park her car.
I didn't want her to, as there wasn't any green spaces in the area. She wouldn't listen.
I told her when she was dead I would just build it again.

Looking down from the lake now. Onto a "Zoo" I could see elephants running around.
Into a school. Kids running everywhere. Screaming, running from the elephant.

It changed. There was someone else. We were on the lake, in a car. She was leaning over to get a look outside.
I felt my fear of heights, telling her to stop leaning into me.
She didn't listen. I was pushing her, without any use.
Eventually she relented and laughed and apologised.
I stabbed her.


The alarm went off.

Dream diary

I'm going to start using this blog to try and record my dreams.

I may not remember to always do it. But I rarely dream so hopefully it'll be a reminder to write them down when it does happen.

Some of them are weird and surreal with no real context. It's quite interesting for me though.

2018

So 2018.. eh?