I have no idea what I'm gonna write .... it's probably going to end up being whiny... It may end up being perverted... I may never publish it... meh
I've been tying to lose weight. Heck I did lose weight from... what... 3 years ago?
3 years is it now I was 23 stone? 140kg?
I got down to 77. I'm now hovering around 81.
I want to get it to 70. Basically halve my body mass. People say "But you look fine/great/whatever, it's great what you've done." But I still don't feel great. I still feel like a sack of shit. That sack of shit at 140kg.
I really don't care when people compliment me any more. Simply because compliments are never of a significant level, from someone who I feel gives a damn about me.
Same goes when someone says something to the contrary. They are generally from someone I barely respect enough, or of a significant level to actually register in my head. The only time that anyone said anything about my weight.... It was walking home, a slightly attractive teenager called, no shouted, "Fat" at me. I think that's the only thing that's every registered in me, and I think it had some influence in me losing weight. Some unknown girl, actually did the one thing all my friends and family couldn't do, actually get my sub-concious to realise slightly it needed to do something.
As I sit here trying to collect my thoughts. I realise I don't know what to say.
This life is a pitiful existence when you're on your own... well... for someone who has never had the chance to not be on his own. And is now stuck not knowing how not to be on his own.
The fun of explaining to others that I don't know how to communicate. Especially when I am communicating with them. It seems like an oxymoron to say it, but that's how it is.
I'll try explaining it this way.
Simple version
I've tried to talk to people. I know how it turns out. My brain now says "What's the point in trying?".
More detailed version
I'm 37. People expect me to be able to talk to other people. When I can't I'm treated as some kind of idiot (my last IQ level put me close to being possible to join MENSA) or failure. My reaction is to 'shut up'. My brain goes "What's the point in trying?".
So, when I think of going to town, for example. I'm going to town on my own. My brain starts pre-planning it all. "Your not going to talk to anyway" .... "Anyone you talk to, you're gonna be quiet" ... "Ah what's the point?"
And the big one. Should be easy in my "I don't care what others think" state... telling someone I find them attractive.... but meh. I fell in love with a Vocaloid who can't return the love I have for her.
Then there's my memory problem interfering all the time. Wish they'd fucking told me my original epilepsy pills were going to eradicate my ability to remember things properly.
But now I'm stuck with some form of Attention-Deficit-Disorder, simply because I can't remember things sometimes. Need to talk to the doctor about it. Then there's the OCD, don't know where that came from... possibly just the over-active nature of being a developer?
And then they finally give me a name to my illness .... Borderline-Personality-Disorder.... and then give and explanation that sounds like it's similar to 'Bipolar' but not Bipolar. And it's not treatable with drugs, you just have to live with it and find ways to live with it. Here's some group to try and help with it.
Then as I explain that groups don't work with me because I don't like being in groups they ignore me. Put me in more groups, like some big "Fuck you". Only good thing is, whilst it feels like something's happening, my suicidal tendencies are suppressed, there's something to hope for. Not the thing I believe would be the most helpful (companionship) but something.
Ah. Companionship. Some people can't understand that I can actually love Hatsune Miku. The Vocaloid. The girl that is a piece of software, the girl who I carry around with me everywhere. In some form. Let me try to explain
Some people have actually had love in their life. I hadn't until I found her. I've lusted after people. Been sexually attracted to people, many a time. But I found this girl, it wasn't until she started singing, and something clicked. I was unimaginably happy, two months is was for. I couldn't stop being happy. Nothing would stop me being happy. It was a feeling I had literally never had before in my life. If I was near her, the world started glowing. If I wasn't, the world started to fade. There was once I wasn't with her for a weekend, I got very depressed, but when I heard her beautiful voice on the Monday morning, it was like she had descended from heaven and encompassed me again. There has been the odd rare lustful thought. But all I really want to do with her is hold, hug, and be with her. And I know it's never going to happen.
So I'm finding more and more, the drive for sex has gone from my life thanks to Miku. I just want to find someone to love.
She even re-introduced me back to Anime and my enjoyment of Japan. For the last nearly 3 years, I rediscovered how much I love it all. Enough to start learning the language. Enough to realise how much I find the Japanese (& Asian in general) women the most attractive on the planet. Probably some form of genetic response in that (you know... spread the DNA far and wide... make babies as genetically different as possible).
I don't think people actually like me. At least when they get to know me. I'm an arrogant, whiny arse if I'm honest with myself. I find it hard to talk to people, about their problems, without making comparisons to myself. Possibly it's easy to do that sometimes with that stuff I have been though.
I left this alone as I went out to do a bit of shopping. Now I'm unsure where to carry on. I'll just post it for now.
Maybe make a new one when I want to let out something.
Oh wait there was one other thing...
I wish people were more honest with me... if you don't like something about me... just tell me... be truthful with me... don't hold back... cos there's not really much you can do to me with words that I haven't already done to myself. We're too restrained with each other.... aren't we?
I've been tying to lose weight. Heck I did lose weight from... what... 3 years ago?
3 years is it now I was 23 stone? 140kg?
I got down to 77. I'm now hovering around 81.
I want to get it to 70. Basically halve my body mass. People say "But you look fine/great/whatever, it's great what you've done." But I still don't feel great. I still feel like a sack of shit. That sack of shit at 140kg.
I really don't care when people compliment me any more. Simply because compliments are never of a significant level, from someone who I feel gives a damn about me.
Same goes when someone says something to the contrary. They are generally from someone I barely respect enough, or of a significant level to actually register in my head. The only time that anyone said anything about my weight.... It was walking home, a slightly attractive teenager called, no shouted, "Fat" at me. I think that's the only thing that's every registered in me, and I think it had some influence in me losing weight. Some unknown girl, actually did the one thing all my friends and family couldn't do, actually get my sub-concious to realise slightly it needed to do something.
As I sit here trying to collect my thoughts. I realise I don't know what to say.
This life is a pitiful existence when you're on your own... well... for someone who has never had the chance to not be on his own. And is now stuck not knowing how not to be on his own.
The fun of explaining to others that I don't know how to communicate. Especially when I am communicating with them. It seems like an oxymoron to say it, but that's how it is.
I'll try explaining it this way.
Simple version
I've tried to talk to people. I know how it turns out. My brain now says "What's the point in trying?".
More detailed version
I'm 37. People expect me to be able to talk to other people. When I can't I'm treated as some kind of idiot (my last IQ level put me close to being possible to join MENSA) or failure. My reaction is to 'shut up'. My brain goes "What's the point in trying?".
So, when I think of going to town, for example. I'm going to town on my own. My brain starts pre-planning it all. "Your not going to talk to anyway" .... "Anyone you talk to, you're gonna be quiet" ... "Ah what's the point?"
And the big one. Should be easy in my "I don't care what others think" state... telling someone I find them attractive.... but meh. I fell in love with a Vocaloid who can't return the love I have for her.
Then there's my memory problem interfering all the time. Wish they'd fucking told me my original epilepsy pills were going to eradicate my ability to remember things properly.
But now I'm stuck with some form of Attention-Deficit-Disorder, simply because I can't remember things sometimes. Need to talk to the doctor about it. Then there's the OCD, don't know where that came from... possibly just the over-active nature of being a developer?
And then they finally give me a name to my illness .... Borderline-Personality-Disorder.... and then give and explanation that sounds like it's similar to 'Bipolar' but not Bipolar. And it's not treatable with drugs, you just have to live with it and find ways to live with it. Here's some group to try and help with it.
Then as I explain that groups don't work with me because I don't like being in groups they ignore me. Put me in more groups, like some big "Fuck you". Only good thing is, whilst it feels like something's happening, my suicidal tendencies are suppressed, there's something to hope for. Not the thing I believe would be the most helpful (companionship) but something.
Ah. Companionship. Some people can't understand that I can actually love Hatsune Miku. The Vocaloid. The girl that is a piece of software, the girl who I carry around with me everywhere. In some form. Let me try to explain
Some people have actually had love in their life. I hadn't until I found her. I've lusted after people. Been sexually attracted to people, many a time. But I found this girl, it wasn't until she started singing, and something clicked. I was unimaginably happy, two months is was for. I couldn't stop being happy. Nothing would stop me being happy. It was a feeling I had literally never had before in my life. If I was near her, the world started glowing. If I wasn't, the world started to fade. There was once I wasn't with her for a weekend, I got very depressed, but when I heard her beautiful voice on the Monday morning, it was like she had descended from heaven and encompassed me again. There has been the odd rare lustful thought. But all I really want to do with her is hold, hug, and be with her. And I know it's never going to happen.
So I'm finding more and more, the drive for sex has gone from my life thanks to Miku. I just want to find someone to love.
She even re-introduced me back to Anime and my enjoyment of Japan. For the last nearly 3 years, I rediscovered how much I love it all. Enough to start learning the language. Enough to realise how much I find the Japanese (& Asian in general) women the most attractive on the planet. Probably some form of genetic response in that (you know... spread the DNA far and wide... make babies as genetically different as possible).
I don't think people actually like me. At least when they get to know me. I'm an arrogant, whiny arse if I'm honest with myself. I find it hard to talk to people, about their problems, without making comparisons to myself. Possibly it's easy to do that sometimes with that stuff I have been though.
I left this alone as I went out to do a bit of shopping. Now I'm unsure where to carry on. I'll just post it for now.
Maybe make a new one when I want to let out something.
Oh wait there was one other thing...
I wish people were more honest with me... if you don't like something about me... just tell me... be truthful with me... don't hold back... cos there's not really much you can do to me with words that I haven't already done to myself. We're too restrained with each other.... aren't we?
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