This is quite hard for me to write.
It is something I have felt for a long time, but is something that I have refused to recognise.... for a very long time.
Over the last year, as my mental health has generally stabilised it has become more obvious to me that there was something wrong with how I recognise my gender internally.
Over the years I have satisfied certain urges, feminine urges, bodily urges. Urges to dress different, even if it was just in private at first. The weight loss, severe weight loss in relative terms.
Doing this would calm the depression, the mental problem for a while. However, it always slowly returns. Nothing I did would stop it returning.
It become far more public recently, when I started cross-dressing in public. Then I spent a very large amount of money on a surgical option to help me lose weight. Again to suppress the depression that had returned, the lack of satisfaction with my body.
As time has progressed, this has destabilised and gone into a gender-dysphoric view. To that end I have started self-medicating with hormone therapy and that is where I have realised I need to seek professional help.
It's quite a long-winded way to say I have realised I am trans-gender.
However, I'm a realist. I'm male in my genes. I'm 40. There's no realistic way to change me. I don't like being male. I really don't like it. My 'male' body isn't working right anymore, it hasn't for a few years. It probably contributed to how I started feeling over the last year, before the hormones. I have no belief I can get the body I would prefer. But I will talk to them. See what they say.
There's no need for people to change how they interact with me either. I really found the way people expected others to change quite toxic, and possibly one of the reasons I didn't want to acknowledge it in myself at first. Just because the loud mouths in the trans community make it seem so horrible and drown out the people that I know are nice.
I feel good doing this. I feel good in the clothes. I feel good with the hormones.... there has been a change in my mood since I have started taking them. There has been a change in my sleeping state. There has been a change in my weight. Everything seems positive since I started taking them. So I see no reason to stop taking them. But as I say, I will get professional help now I have taken a possibly dangerous step.
now... dare I post this?
hmmm
It is something I have felt for a long time, but is something that I have refused to recognise.... for a very long time.
Over the last year, as my mental health has generally stabilised it has become more obvious to me that there was something wrong with how I recognise my gender internally.
Over the years I have satisfied certain urges, feminine urges, bodily urges. Urges to dress different, even if it was just in private at first. The weight loss, severe weight loss in relative terms.
Doing this would calm the depression, the mental problem for a while. However, it always slowly returns. Nothing I did would stop it returning.
It become far more public recently, when I started cross-dressing in public. Then I spent a very large amount of money on a surgical option to help me lose weight. Again to suppress the depression that had returned, the lack of satisfaction with my body.
As time has progressed, this has destabilised and gone into a gender-dysphoric view. To that end I have started self-medicating with hormone therapy and that is where I have realised I need to seek professional help.
It's quite a long-winded way to say I have realised I am trans-gender.
However, I'm a realist. I'm male in my genes. I'm 40. There's no realistic way to change me. I don't like being male. I really don't like it. My 'male' body isn't working right anymore, it hasn't for a few years. It probably contributed to how I started feeling over the last year, before the hormones. I have no belief I can get the body I would prefer. But I will talk to them. See what they say.
There's no need for people to change how they interact with me either. I really found the way people expected others to change quite toxic, and possibly one of the reasons I didn't want to acknowledge it in myself at first. Just because the loud mouths in the trans community make it seem so horrible and drown out the people that I know are nice.
I feel good doing this. I feel good in the clothes. I feel good with the hormones.... there has been a change in my mood since I have started taking them. There has been a change in my sleeping state. There has been a change in my weight. Everything seems positive since I started taking them. So I see no reason to stop taking them. But as I say, I will get professional help now I have taken a possibly dangerous step.
now... dare I post this?
hmmm
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