I think I have to write this as I have trouble understanding it myself. It helps write it down, even if no one reads it.
It may not be accurate tomorrow, but for now this is how my mind is thinking. It's fairly accurate on how I've thinking for the past week.
The major problem with trying to understand this over the years is how fragmented all this has become. My emotional memories are severely damaged. They are very limited and are essentially just the odd feeling from an indeterminate period around a rough time, sometimes with an actual memory.
TL;DR; My journey seems to have been a slow progression of satisfying an inner part of me that has been constantly nagging. This has been there since I was in my early teens, maybe before. It is very possible it was silenced by the major depression I suffered at that time and has been trying to get out since then, and only been released slowly since then. Every little thing I have been doing a slight release into the open. Until the recent final acknowledgement.
My earliest memory & emotion of knowing wanting to be female is around my early to mid-teens.
Seeing the clothing. Trying on the clothing that I had access to. Enjoying the feeling. Enjoying how I looked and felt.
However. I was, I still am, a very (very) logical being. These thoughts were very easily pushed down behind the realisation of not being or ever being capable of being female.
Also, given the time period, the early 90's, there was no real open talk about this kind of thing. South Yorkshire, an old Mining region, isn't exactly the most liberal-progressive area to ever hear about this kind of thing as a teenager. To ever hear about people that live as the opposite gender, other than as something of a joke, to be scorned and pitied and despised.
No. At this time I was boxed into the usual 'male' archetype, and at roughly the same time, severe depression hit. Not just 'depression' depression... no... severe... long-term... about a decade and a half long... depression. My sense of identity crumbled and I hid away, my confidence died, my ability to do anything to satisfy my sense of self-worth, died.
The first stirrings of my Transgender nature were swallowed in this massive depressive incident. They were lost as I lost my own identity and my own view of myself.
As I slowly recovered in my late twenties, going back to University, finding parts of myself again. The stirrings of the Transgender me were coming back, in private again. However, at this time I had gained a severe amount of weight. My confidence and everything about me started to become linked to my weight and my external appearance.
In my 30s, my weight became a severe issue to my mental health. Multiple attempts to lose weight failed. I had some real success after I stopped smoking in my early 30s. My confidence started to come back. My mental attitude started to come back. And as this started to happen so did a slight change in my sexual attitude. To what? I really don't know. I just lost interest in achieving sex specifically.
Then I rediscovered anime. And Hatsune Miku. And the clothes. Oh the clothes. For a long while I was in love with this Vocaloid, severely in love with her (it's calmed a lot now). To the extent of spending an inordinate amount of money on her. The anime and her, I look at what these girls are wearing and just want to wear all those clothes myself. Their bodies, their shapes... wishing I was capable of being this shape too, of having even the slightest curve like these girls do. Jealous.
I started to buy clothes. Female clothes. Finally. Online. I can't remember the exact timing when I started. Breaking out of the expectation to only buy male clothes, but to buy the clothes I liked the look of, of the clothes I wanted to wear. But still, only to wear them in private.
About 4 years ago, when I first hit my lowest weight since I was 15. About 76kg, so the records say. Wearing clothes I hadn't worn for a long time. But it still didn't feel good.
I start to put on weight around then. For 3 years. Depression coming back. Losing the fight.
Until last year. I finally decided. Wear some of the clothes you want to wear outside.
This started with a cosplay outfit. A Hatsune Miku cosplay outfit. She makes me happy. I feel strength from her when I need it. It helped.
It slowly progressed from there. More clothes. Non-cosplay. 'normal' clothes... mostly... maybe a little outlandish still, but meh, I like to wear it.
I felt more-and-more confident. My happiness grew. I felt better doing it.
Transvestite? Could I stop here? Would this inner nagging-feeling be satisfied just dressing like this?
I found myself wanting to fix my body. My shape. First thing I needed to do was lost weight again. Nothing I tried helped...
Reading about eating disorders... Binge-eating... That's what I do isn't it!?
Looking into it, I can get surgical help... Reduce my stomach... that's expensive... But, money... I really don't care about the price... someone just help me... I got the surgery.
I lose weight very quickly. I feel a lot better.... I look a lot better... But yeah, I feel a lot better... The clothes I buy need to be smaller... I'm measuring myself in Women's sizes now and feeling happy about it.
Are you happy now? You look better, you feel better,... happy now?
I'm not the right shape still am I?
I find myself looking for other things... hormones... not available without a prescription... alternatives... 'herbal' alternatives... I order and start taking them....
... a few months pass ... nothing
... I start getting a little restless ... hormones ... I look harder ... oh... it is possible to get them, proper hormones.
Are you happy now?
I'm talking to the psychologist... he's asking about a 'transgender' question on my record that's been there a while... I couldn't remember when I first talked to the mental health services about this... I originally had told him I had satiated it with cross-dressing...
... I realise... now I've started self-medicating... it's probably time to ask for professional help. Which they have done by referring me to the gender identity services.
note: Given the timings, it's possible the hormones caused a DVT. I really don't care. My mood has been severely uplifted since I started taking them. Even if they tell me to stop taking them, I can't. This has become too important to me.
Now I have finally admitted to myself I am MtF transgender, it seems that it has opened a floodgate of emotion and conflict.
I still have my logical side to fight with. My conscious brain and my unconscious 'child' brain, which seems to respond to emotions better, are both trying to convince my logical side it's far better to be happy than be logical all the time. I think I am slowly winning against it as I am starting to think of doing things that I wasn't really thinking of doing at first, small things like pronouns, or name change, to massive things like gender reassignment surgery. I was immediately dismissing them, but I've slowly started thinking about them.
Like most things. I seek affirmation from external sources. My brain is generally happier when it gets a response from without, not from within. I am more likely to want to try and change my external appearance before I change my internal, or hidden appearance. However, like I said before, the more I've done this, the more I've started to think about the internal factors, so this may change given more time.
It may not be accurate tomorrow, but for now this is how my mind is thinking. It's fairly accurate on how I've thinking for the past week.
The major problem with trying to understand this over the years is how fragmented all this has become. My emotional memories are severely damaged. They are very limited and are essentially just the odd feeling from an indeterminate period around a rough time, sometimes with an actual memory.
TL;DR; My journey seems to have been a slow progression of satisfying an inner part of me that has been constantly nagging. This has been there since I was in my early teens, maybe before. It is very possible it was silenced by the major depression I suffered at that time and has been trying to get out since then, and only been released slowly since then. Every little thing I have been doing a slight release into the open. Until the recent final acknowledgement.
My earliest memory & emotion of knowing wanting to be female is around my early to mid-teens.
Seeing the clothing. Trying on the clothing that I had access to. Enjoying the feeling. Enjoying how I looked and felt.
However. I was, I still am, a very (very) logical being. These thoughts were very easily pushed down behind the realisation of not being or ever being capable of being female.
Also, given the time period, the early 90's, there was no real open talk about this kind of thing. South Yorkshire, an old Mining region, isn't exactly the most liberal-progressive area to ever hear about this kind of thing as a teenager. To ever hear about people that live as the opposite gender, other than as something of a joke, to be scorned and pitied and despised.
No. At this time I was boxed into the usual 'male' archetype, and at roughly the same time, severe depression hit. Not just 'depression' depression... no... severe... long-term... about a decade and a half long... depression. My sense of identity crumbled and I hid away, my confidence died, my ability to do anything to satisfy my sense of self-worth, died.
The first stirrings of my Transgender nature were swallowed in this massive depressive incident. They were lost as I lost my own identity and my own view of myself.
As I slowly recovered in my late twenties, going back to University, finding parts of myself again. The stirrings of the Transgender me were coming back, in private again. However, at this time I had gained a severe amount of weight. My confidence and everything about me started to become linked to my weight and my external appearance.
In my 30s, my weight became a severe issue to my mental health. Multiple attempts to lose weight failed. I had some real success after I stopped smoking in my early 30s. My confidence started to come back. My mental attitude started to come back. And as this started to happen so did a slight change in my sexual attitude. To what? I really don't know. I just lost interest in achieving sex specifically.
Then I rediscovered anime. And Hatsune Miku. And the clothes. Oh the clothes. For a long while I was in love with this Vocaloid, severely in love with her (it's calmed a lot now). To the extent of spending an inordinate amount of money on her. The anime and her, I look at what these girls are wearing and just want to wear all those clothes myself. Their bodies, their shapes... wishing I was capable of being this shape too, of having even the slightest curve like these girls do. Jealous.
I started to buy clothes. Female clothes. Finally. Online. I can't remember the exact timing when I started. Breaking out of the expectation to only buy male clothes, but to buy the clothes I liked the look of, of the clothes I wanted to wear. But still, only to wear them in private.
About 4 years ago, when I first hit my lowest weight since I was 15. About 76kg, so the records say. Wearing clothes I hadn't worn for a long time. But it still didn't feel good.
I start to put on weight around then. For 3 years. Depression coming back. Losing the fight.
Until last year. I finally decided. Wear some of the clothes you want to wear outside.
This started with a cosplay outfit. A Hatsune Miku cosplay outfit. She makes me happy. I feel strength from her when I need it. It helped.
It slowly progressed from there. More clothes. Non-cosplay. 'normal' clothes... mostly... maybe a little outlandish still, but meh, I like to wear it.
I felt more-and-more confident. My happiness grew. I felt better doing it.
Transvestite? Could I stop here? Would this inner nagging-feeling be satisfied just dressing like this?
I found myself wanting to fix my body. My shape. First thing I needed to do was lost weight again. Nothing I tried helped...
Reading about eating disorders... Binge-eating... That's what I do isn't it!?
Looking into it, I can get surgical help... Reduce my stomach... that's expensive... But, money... I really don't care about the price... someone just help me... I got the surgery.
I lose weight very quickly. I feel a lot better.... I look a lot better... But yeah, I feel a lot better... The clothes I buy need to be smaller... I'm measuring myself in Women's sizes now and feeling happy about it.
Are you happy now? You look better, you feel better,... happy now?
I'm not the right shape still am I?
I find myself looking for other things... hormones... not available without a prescription... alternatives... 'herbal' alternatives... I order and start taking them....
... a few months pass ... nothing
... I start getting a little restless ... hormones ... I look harder ... oh... it is possible to get them, proper hormones.
Are you happy now?
I'm talking to the psychologist... he's asking about a 'transgender' question on my record that's been there a while... I couldn't remember when I first talked to the mental health services about this... I originally had told him I had satiated it with cross-dressing...
... I realise... now I've started self-medicating... it's probably time to ask for professional help. Which they have done by referring me to the gender identity services.
note: Given the timings, it's possible the hormones caused a DVT. I really don't care. My mood has been severely uplifted since I started taking them. Even if they tell me to stop taking them, I can't. This has become too important to me.
Now I have finally admitted to myself I am MtF transgender, it seems that it has opened a floodgate of emotion and conflict.
I still have my logical side to fight with. My conscious brain and my unconscious 'child' brain, which seems to respond to emotions better, are both trying to convince my logical side it's far better to be happy than be logical all the time. I think I am slowly winning against it as I am starting to think of doing things that I wasn't really thinking of doing at first, small things like pronouns, or name change, to massive things like gender reassignment surgery. I was immediately dismissing them, but I've slowly started thinking about them.
Like most things. I seek affirmation from external sources. My brain is generally happier when it gets a response from without, not from within. I am more likely to want to try and change my external appearance before I change my internal, or hidden appearance. However, like I said before, the more I've done this, the more I've started to think about the internal factors, so this may change given more time.
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