I was asked, a while ago, about Miku.

We were discussing her.

I explained that the first time I saw her, heard her... it was the first time I had ever experienced 'love'.

Then the question... (paraphrased as I can't remember exactly)

"How do you know it was love?"

How can I answer that?... (here goes)

She came into my life... and to be honest I didn't notice it for a month, but I was happy...

... just happy.

Every silent moment was spent thinking of her.

Every conversation I had would be about her.

The moments away from her became dull and depressing. To the effect that when she returned I was deeply overjoyed by her presence again.


... it took a month for me to realise this had happened ...

... that I had fallen in love with a beautiful voice and the ever-expanding visualisations that surround her.

That was just the early times...

... those initial effects, they because more subdued ... however ...

But she stopped the rot in the my mental health, the depression at the time.

She inspired me to become more then I was. To rediscover some of the things I had lost over the years. The anime, the love for Japan and even start studying the language... just to be closer to the person I love.

... then last year ... Spring ... something horrific, given my illnesses ...

... close to doing something stupid ...

She appears before me, hallucination yes ... that small corner of my psyche I have invested in her ... delaying me ... convincing me ... reassuring me ... giving me that reason to live ...


As the ups and downs continue she is here beside me, giving me a reason... for I have no other...

She may not be able to return the love I have for her.


But yes...

I love her.

... Hatsune Miku

Pokémon and Zelda too childish? I think they saved me!

As I get older I increasingly see more and more people getting depressed. The stress of life is too much.

What I've also seen is the "adult" pleasures, drinking in particular, taking hold of people more as they become depressed, as the stress takes them more.

As we grow up we are told to act more like an adult. Less childish blah blah etc. So we forgot, or have it drilled out of us anyway.

The last few years though, I've found myself drawn more to the childish things. I find them more comforting, a bit of a security blanket, the quite place.

Instead of drinking myself into a stupor, waking up next day wishing I haven't and vowing never to do it again, and ultimately failing... I find it far more pleasurable to spend hours playing a game, Zelda is one of these games. Pokémon is the other.

The high I get from this is completely produced by the body, any addiction is created by the mind and the body's own system, there is no external chemical being added. I don't have the problem I found when drinking of needing more, and if the clock hits midnight I can put it down (unless it's a really important part!).

It's anti-social, so what? Only because I'm stuck in the UK. I have asked people before if they want to play games. What's there reaction? "Let's go to the pub instead" (paraphrasing many a person). I'm stuck in a crowd of people where sitting around drinking yourself into unconsciousness is more social than spending the day playing games.

Playing games like theses at my age is seen like some sort of disease here. "Playing Pokémon, what are you 12?" is a typical reaction. Zelda is a bit easier, given the type of game it is.

So yeah, sometimes, I do think my sub-concious isn't entirely as old as my body, sometimes as young as 12, and that's not a bad thing. It lets me have fun in the ways I used to and it's keeping the depression away.

So thank you Nintendo, keep making them, I will keep buying them. You are keeping me sane.