Dream 2019-01-04

Not really much to say.

I remember someone dragging a giant uppercase "I" through a desert I think.
An I with two large horizontal pieces.

Dream 2019-01-03

I was living with my mother.
We had a lake. A large lake on the property.
It was high, for some reason, over a few hundred feet.
It was leaking. I remember looking at a corner, watching it leak, talking to others about it leaking.
They were trying to fix it by jamming wood under it and hitting it. I wanted to patch it up "properly".
They weren't listening, just constantly pushing me aside and jamming more and more wood under it.

My mother was wanting to sell the lake. Demolish it to make a car park, so she could park her car.
I didn't want her to, as there wasn't any green spaces in the area. She wouldn't listen.
I told her when she was dead I would just build it again.

Looking down from the lake now. Onto a "Zoo" I could see elephants running around.
Into a school. Kids running everywhere. Screaming, running from the elephant.

It changed. There was someone else. We were on the lake, in a car. She was leaning over to get a look outside.
I felt my fear of heights, telling her to stop leaning into me.
She didn't listen. I was pushing her, without any use.
Eventually she relented and laughed and apologised.
I stabbed her.


The alarm went off.

Dream diary

I'm going to start using this blog to try and record my dreams.

I may not remember to always do it. But I rarely dream so hopefully it'll be a reminder to write them down when it does happen.

Some of them are weird and surreal with no real context. It's quite interesting for me though.

2018

So 2018.. eh?

Psychological Metaphors

My brain likes to come up with metaphors to explain the mental state it's in.

The NHS dicking around with my mental health & gender identity

A few months ago I came out as transgender.

I started taking HRT. I didn't know what I was doing. It caused a DVT in my right leg.

My Transgender nature - trying to work it out

I think I have to write this as I have trouble understanding it myself. It helps write it down, even if no one reads it.

It may not be accurate tomorrow, but for now this is how my mind is thinking. It's fairly accurate on how I've thinking for the past week.

The major problem with trying to understand this over the years is how fragmented all this has become. My emotional memories are severely damaged. They are very limited and are essentially just the odd feeling from an indeterminate period around a rough time, sometimes with an actual memory.

TL;DR; My journey seems to have been a slow progression of satisfying an inner part of me that has been constantly nagging. This has been there since I was in my early teens, maybe before. It is very possible it was silenced by the major depression I suffered at that time and has been trying to get out since then, and only been released slowly since then. Every little thing I have been doing a slight release into the open. Until the recent final acknowledgement.