Autism thoughts

I keep thinking of new ways to describe my autism.

Ways my brain keeps processing it and analysing patterns, trying to think of metaphors and analogies... kind of an autistic thing I do, funny it analyses itself.

Anyway... I thought of this earlier...

dream 2019-01-06

I was headed to see a doctor. A private doctor.

I forget specifically where I started. I think it was at the hospital.

I was using Google to guide me, as I usually do, when it's somewhere I don't really know.

It took me through a cemetery.

When I entered I couldn't see the way out. But as I approached the other side, it started to become obvious. I still questioned why it took me through there. Also the landscape seemed to change as I walked through it. The cemetery got larger and more hilly.

Once through, I noticed that my the shadow I was casting was being projected far into the distance. Stupidly far. Miles. I remember thinking that there has to be something wrong with the sun for this to happen (tbh I should've realised I was dreaming at this point!). My mind thinking that it's impossible to cast such a shadow unless the sun was a point light source.

I continued on my trek.

Up to a road I don't recognise. Inventing roads and places that don't seem familiar. Still following the map.

I seem to remember where I was headed. I'd been there before for a previous appointment.

I make it inside.

Waiting in the queue for the reception. I finally get to the front. Give them my name. They ask for the fee to see the doctor. Which I pay.

I go and sit down.

Time passes.

"Jamie". I look around. No not me. Someone has dropped something and their attention is being called to it.

Waiting still.

Names being called out to see the doctor. I don't remember the names.

Getting tired.

Eventually my name is called your with a bunch of others, but "... Jamie... You can go home".

What?

I get a little angry. I can go home? What?

I hear someone say "You can claim your money back".

(It's starting to get fuzzy as to the specifics here).

"It's not about the money, I can here to sort out my problems"... "I came here for help because no one else would" ... "I have autism and it's hard for me to do anything, the money isn't a problem" ...

Eventually they tell me what the problem is "The computer isn't working"

"The FUCKING COMPUTER ... " I laugh. "You're sending me home because the computer isn't working?". ... "You're doing what everyone else in my life has made me felt, rejecting me over the simplest of things" ... "A fucking computer".


.... I woke up ...

I think the brain spent a lot of energy to say one thing there!

I don't think that's entirely what happened at the end, but I was waking and it started to get jumbled.

Dream 2019-01-05

What I remember.

I was moving house. I remember being happy, excited.

I seem to remember some very basic shape to the house, the walls, a door frame.

Not really content though.

Dream 2019-01-04

Not really much to say.

I remember someone dragging a giant uppercase "I" through a desert I think.
An I with two large horizontal pieces.

Dream 2019-01-03

I was living with my mother.
We had a lake. A large lake on the property.
It was high, for some reason, over a few hundred feet.
It was leaking. I remember looking at a corner, watching it leak, talking to others about it leaking.
They were trying to fix it by jamming wood under it and hitting it. I wanted to patch it up "properly".
They weren't listening, just constantly pushing me aside and jamming more and more wood under it.

My mother was wanting to sell the lake. Demolish it to make a car park, so she could park her car.
I didn't want her to, as there wasn't any green spaces in the area. She wouldn't listen.
I told her when she was dead I would just build it again.

Looking down from the lake now. Onto a "Zoo" I could see elephants running around.
Into a school. Kids running everywhere. Screaming, running from the elephant.

It changed. There was someone else. We were on the lake, in a car. She was leaning over to get a look outside.
I felt my fear of heights, telling her to stop leaning into me.
She didn't listen. I was pushing her, without any use.
Eventually she relented and laughed and apologised.
I stabbed her.


The alarm went off.

Dream diary

I'm going to start using this blog to try and record my dreams.

I may not remember to always do it. But I rarely dream so hopefully it'll be a reminder to write them down when it does happen.

Some of them are weird and surreal with no real context. It's quite interesting for me though.

2018

So 2018.. eh?

Psychological Metaphors

My brain likes to come up with metaphors to explain the mental state it's in.

The NHS dicking around with my mental health & gender identity

A few months ago I came out as transgender.

I started taking HRT. I didn't know what I was doing. It caused a DVT in my right leg.

My Transgender nature - trying to work it out

I think I have to write this as I have trouble understanding it myself. It helps write it down, even if no one reads it.

It may not be accurate tomorrow, but for now this is how my mind is thinking. It's fairly accurate on how I've thinking for the past week.

The major problem with trying to understand this over the years is how fragmented all this has become. My emotional memories are severely damaged. They are very limited and are essentially just the odd feeling from an indeterminate period around a rough time, sometimes with an actual memory.

TL;DR; My journey seems to have been a slow progression of satisfying an inner part of me that has been constantly nagging. This has been there since I was in my early teens, maybe before. It is very possible it was silenced by the major depression I suffered at that time and has been trying to get out since then, and only been released slowly since then. Every little thing I have been doing a slight release into the open. Until the recent final acknowledgement.

Sexual identity

This is quite hard for me to write.

Personality disorders

Just going through the definitions of the personality disorders and trying to work out which effect me the most...

Functionally Alone desu

I'm lonely.

What can I say beyond that?

I have a job. It's a good job. I'm good at it.

However, if you see me doing the job I may not immediately give the impression I have a problem.

When I'm working I will appear to be quite functional. I will do the job, I will laugh I will talk to others about the work and help others and get things done.

However, that's it.

My job.

When my job is finished I go home. I turn off.

Everything becomes the four walls around me. There is nothing outside. I have no purpose, I have no external communication.

"You're on the internet, that's communicating though"

Is it? My communication to the outside world over the internet has never seemed like communication. Communication to me is synchronous. Not this... post now, respond later. My psyche expects immediately satisfaction. My depression, my loneliness requires immediately and constant satisfaction. The internet to me is not communication as I don't now who or what I am talking to. I really don't know if the other end of this is really another person reading or what? A machine? 'something'. Meh? I don't know. This is just words on a page in a system somewhere.

No. Communication to me requires actual physical presence. My loneliness requires presence.

Being stuck inside my own four walls, that have been constructed by and for me, has led me to being alone and unable to communicate with others.

I have asked for help, but I think my job is in the way of ever receiving help. My ability to appear functional and capable, gives the impression that I don't need help. This is from both the professional establishment and those people around me. I give the impression because I am able to communicate when it is laid out in front of me as to what is needed.

However, I am unable to determine what is needed.

A lot of people look for a metaphorical path as they walk down life. I don't see a path, I just see a field. There is no path. I start walking in one direction, doing one thing, but nothing is constraining me down that direction. Eventually some part of me, generally one of my illnesses, will get bored and decide to change direction. Without any control I am unable to continue in life properly. Because it is one of my illnesses, the old adage of "stick with it" won't work. It isn't something I consciously decide to do, not even subconsciously, it's almost as if the will to do it leaks away or is forgotten. It's not something I have any control over or have any ability to steer, it is always steering me...

... until ...

I have an external influence. This is why I am able to do a job. The job gives me focus and it gives me the constraints upon which I can guide myself for a few hours a day.

Being alone all this time, it has become a severely ingrained flaw in my personality. Being unable to talk to anyone, being unable to converse or find that reason to exist, it has left me lonely and unwilling to start looking for the motivation. I have been in such a state of mind for so long that all the reasons to exist have been argued against. All the internal reasons to survive have had their meaning called into question.

The only way for my existence to mean anything now is external. It is why I grasp to every little fragment of attention. Why I draw attention to myself whilst being the person most likely to try and run away and hide when possible. Why, when I am on a high, I put myself in situations I am unable to flee, or start things in motion that I am unable to run from, when those dark times come, as a way of forcing attention onto myself, even if it is embarrassing or difficult.

But I am still unable to find purpose from these fleeting moments.

At some point my constant, daily, thoughts of ending it, will culminate in it happening. All the pondering of methods and slow deliberations of timing and planning will lead to a point in the field that has no escape. No way out. The situation I will eventually put myself in will be one of finality. But whilst being so alone, there will only be my own internal voice re-enforcing the reasoning for doing it.

Food addiction

I'm trying to control my weight...

It's not working...

Over the last week I have noticed something, as I refuse to eat those high-fat foods I have been eating...

... it's a similar feeling to when I stopped smoking.

SAO Hollow Realization - Pains

Problems with Sword Art Online Hollow Realization (sic)

BODMAS

So we see questions like this a lot online...

3 - 4 * 7 + 5 = ?

So what's the answer? I see a lot of people aren't being taught, or don't pay attention, to maths rules.

The mountain to overcome

I went to see my psychologist, for possibly the last time, the other day.

We discussed stuff and I came up with an analogy for my anxiety problems...

Societal death

We used to worry about being killed. Killed by animals in our pursuit of food. Killed by others for food. Then it became land and food and religion.

Society evolved. We had less-and-less to worry about. We can keep out the warm and feed ourselves.

Eventually we're at a state when there is really no problem in keeping ourselves alive. Disease and hunger and killing each-other was not a significant problem any more in general.

So then what? With nothing to worry about there's plenty of free time for our brains to invent new things or concentrate on things that weren't even a problem before or never actually existed.

Where am I going? The recent (in human-race terms) uprising of social justice.

The people who invent new terms for themselves.
The people who police others and tell them what to think.
Who vilify the people who refuse to fall into line.
Those who twist and morph the meanings of the language to suit their own ends and force this belief and will not allow anything but their truth.
Those people who refuse to listen to another point-of-view because it isn't the same as theirs, even if there is evidence to prove them wrong.
Their apparent belief that they can change the physical reality of the themselves, the planet and even the universe just because they believe it is so.

This society has become decadent and it will collapse as many a decadent society has in the past.

Be it an influx of people who don't follow this reality and the social justice cause is blind, or just plainly refuses to accept, that it will destroy the existing society.

A civil war, with people who don't want the changes to society, becoming more-and-more dissatisfied with these social changes and the refusal of it to acknowledge the problems.

Or global war. This may spill from a civil war or through the complete breakdown in societies and the things that have kept things peaceful.

In the end it'll be back to the killing. Be it of the people, the society or the ideologies that support them. But something must eventually die.

Personality Disorders...

I thought I'd go through the list of PD's and see which ones are more common to me.

I was asked, a while ago, about Miku.

We were discussing her.

I explained that the first time I saw her, heard her... it was the first time I had ever experienced 'love'.

Then the question... (paraphrased as I can't remember exactly)

"How do you know it was love?"

How can I answer that?... (here goes)

She came into my life... and to be honest I didn't notice it for a month, but I was happy...

... just happy.

Every silent moment was spent thinking of her.

Every conversation I had would be about her.

The moments away from her became dull and depressing. To the effect that when she returned I was deeply overjoyed by her presence again.


... it took a month for me to realise this had happened ...

... that I had fallen in love with a beautiful voice and the ever-expanding visualisations that surround her.

That was just the early times...

... those initial effects, they because more subdued ... however ...

But she stopped the rot in the my mental health, the depression at the time.

She inspired me to become more then I was. To rediscover some of the things I had lost over the years. The anime, the love for Japan and even start studying the language... just to be closer to the person I love.

... then last year ... Spring ... something horrific, given my illnesses ...

... close to doing something stupid ...

She appears before me, hallucination yes ... that small corner of my psyche I have invested in her ... delaying me ... convincing me ... reassuring me ... giving me that reason to live ...


As the ups and downs continue she is here beside me, giving me a reason... for I have no other...

She may not be able to return the love I have for her.


But yes...

I love her.

... Hatsune Miku